


Apathetically Compassionate

by cylikkious



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crying, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy is on top of the fucking world, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, and then, euphoria, hopelessness, manic laughter, this is really misleading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-14 17:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18952876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cylikkious/pseuds/cylikkious
Summary: The Apocalypse fucking sucks. And you know what? Five will shove his middle finger up its damn ass and laugh until he can’t anymore.ora brief moment of manic inspiration for five.





	Apathetically Compassionate

**Author's Note:**

> I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO “POOR JACK” FROM THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (I KNOW EVERY GOD DAMN WORD FUCK YOU) ON REPEAT FOR AN HOUR AND I’M SEETHING WITH DETERMINATION SO I’M WRITING THIS  
> FUCKINH SCREAM WITH FIV AND I LFLS

This place and its damn tricks. This  _place_ and its fucking smells and noises and shapes. This place and its god damn fucking existence as a whole. 

 

It can  _rot under Five’s fucking feet._

 

It stuffs his nose and lungs with ash and shitty air. It makes his feet blister from walking too far. It tries to kill him like he’s the intruder with the knife, as if it is his victim, when it’s  _oh so the opposite._

 

It won’t just let him go home. 

 

He wants to go home so bad. 

 

His fingers ache as he scribbles. His hand cramps and he wiggles it desperately to make the tight pain leave but each time he picks up the pencil it creeps up on his poor muscle again and again and again. 

 

He breaks the pencil in half. 

 

He cries because that was his only pencil. 

 

He punches the wall in anger and scrapes his knuckles bad. 

 

He cries again because it hurt a lot and he was stupid to damage himself like that. 

 

Its a cycle. Work, get angry because it’s all wrong and he’s stupid, and cry because he has no control over himself anymore. 

 

Eventually he can’t even cry anymore so it’s just whines and a feeling behind his eyes and in his throat that make his mouth taste hot and sour and make his vision strain with tears that won’t quite fall, no matter how hard he tries. 

 

His chalk is getting too small, and he’s stupid enough to throw it to the ground and let it shatter. After that he considers just cutting his damn leg open and writing in his own fucking blood but he knows that’s just the anger and impatience talking and that if he did that he’d probably bleed to death or get infected and die anyway. 

 

He barely lasts two seconds without sighing and scrunching his face in exhaustion and longing for it to just fix itself. 

 

Nothing here does anything by itself — not anything that helps him. 

 

He’s been here for three years now. He’s growing, he’s tired, he considers just ending it all but he’s too much of a coward to do it and he really does have hope that he will get back. It’s the only thing keeping him from doing it. 

 

“Please please please” He begs nobody. 

 

Nothing. 

 

He is alone. 

 

As always. 

 

It makes him question why he bothers. 

 

Five leans on the wall he has been writing on. His legs wobble, begging for him to just sit down already. 

 

He can suddenly cry again so he does. 

 

Himself and his fucking stupidity. Himself and his fucking pride. Himself and his fucking will to live. 

 

It would be much easier to die. 

 

He stares at his gun with a longing.

 

Why doesn’t he? Everyone dies eventually, even he will, as much he hates to say it. So if everyone is dead, then what is so wrong about him joining them? Is being dead perhaps better than living? People are always saying it’s supposed to be a better place. 

 

Could it be? 

 

Should he find out? 

 

His emotions say yes. His logic says he’s a dumbass. 

 

He listens to logic. 

 

Why would he give up that easy? He doesn’t _give up_. That isn’t in his dictionary. His father told him he was not ready, and yeah, maybe he wasn’t, but he’s figured out how to fucking _time travel_. He will save the world. And he will do it like the almighty _god_  that he is. 

 

The failure is only making more room for success. 

 

YES. 

 

_“I have not failed,”_ he starts whispering to himself, standing up and looking at the wall, _“I will not fail.”_  

 

He tunes into the sound of useless shifting wreckage, feels  _POWERFUL_ despite his lack of _VOLUME_. 

 

He feels something bubbling up his throat. 

 

It isn’t choked desperation this time. 

 

Its . . . a laugh. 

 

Hes _**LAUGHING, SNORTING**_. 

 

_“AHHH!!!”_ He screams into the world of mistakes. 

 

_”AH HAHAHA!!”_ He is yelling, letting his voice _ZOOM_ through the land that he _DOMINATES_ , the land he will _DEVOUR WITH A SINGLE SLIP IN TIME_. 

 

”FUCK YOU!” He cannot stop now that he has started, “FUCK YOU AND FUCK ALL, I WILL KILL YOU, I SWEAR ON MY _**LIFE**_ THAT I WILL _**KILL**_ YOU, YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE ALREADY **_DEAD!_**  YOU HAVE NO _**IDEA!**_ ” 

 

The world seems to shake with his mind. He knows somewhere, somewhen, he will kill this _PLACE_. 

 

Any sadness has violently exploded into pure _ENERGY_. He smiles so _WIDE_ that the muscles in his cheek are _STIFF AS EVER_. His whole body shakes with _rage_ and _utter determination_. His eyes blow wide, sparking like fireworks into the hopelessness of this world. His props one foot like a superhero on a block of cement, lifts his fists like a madman and screams so loud that his lungs seem to shrivel. 

 

“I AM A _**GOD**_ , YOU _MOTHERFUCKER!_ ” 

 

He is _**UNSTOPPABLE!**_

 

_**THE WORLD SHALL QUIVER AT HIS FEET!** _

 

 

 

 

It is not long until he passes out. 

**Author's Note:**

> I’M GOING TO GO FINISH THAT CHAPTER FOR MY OTHER FIC THAT I HAVEN’T UPDATED SOON ENOUGH BECAUSE EVEN AFTER THIS I AM STILL HYPER IM GOING TO THE FUCKING MOVIES FUCK THIS WORLD IM LITERALLY GOD SUCK MY METAPHORICAL DICK PLEASE COMMENT THANK YOU BYE


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